why I don’t pray (much) for my girls’ future husbands

Now that I’ve exposed myself a bit shockingly, let me soften the blow. I do pray occasionally that my girls be blessed by a happy marriage with a man who is Christ-centered and Bible-loving to the core.

But not very often.

The simple answer why not is two-part: because I have no idea if they will have husbands and because having a husband isn’t the most important thing for them.

I also don’t pray for my daughter’s future children, because I don’t know if she’ll have them.

You may wonder if I’m saying that having a husband is a bad thing? No. Obviously. I’m happily married and grateful to be.

Am I saying I don’t want my girls to get married? No. I would be very pleased if they got married. Do I want them to have children if they’re married? Yes. But, just because marriage and family are the common way God does things doesn’t mean that it will happen for my kids.

What I’m saying is, is that praying for marriage and a spouse isn’t the highest thing I can pray for my girls. What do I communicate about my priorities for them by praying that? That I’m happily married and want the same blessing for them?  Hopefully. That marriage and families are a good design of God to pass the faith onto the next generation? Hopefully. But I also may subtly give them the message that singleness is second best. Or unthinkable, at worst.

I’ve never heard a mother say that she’s praying that her daughter will have a life of happy singleness and single-minded devotion to the Lord. Yet, Paul desires us to be single and says it’s a good thing. Nor have I heard a mother pray that for her son. If I heard a woman doing that, I would think, “I sure hope she’s not disappointed if she ends up as a mother-in-law to some poor girl.”

The Bible is clear that both marriage and singleness are good. Gen 2:18 “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” Eccl. 4:9 “Two are better than one..” 1 Cor. 7:8 “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.” 1 Cor. 7:38 “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.”

I like this as a summary from Paul on singleness: “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” 1 Corinthians 7:7

So, what would Paul make of us praying for our children’s future spouses or for them to be married and mothers? Much more than that, how do those prayers fall on the ears of our Lord? Are they the pleasing aroma of moms who love their God so much that all other loves look like hate in comparison? Or, does God hear a perversion of a created order? Has an idol been erected in place of a good gift? Are we asking God for married daughters and godly future spouses because we secretly believe that this is the ULTIMATE thing for them to have. Not Jesus.

Praying for future marriage and motherhood seems so far down the line, when I think of the high things I can pray for my kids, things that are undoubtedly part of God’s revealed moral will. I want them to know GOD! I want them to look on Jesus and see Him clearly, as the Savior, not as a fool or a figment of imaginations! I want them to be KEPT until the final day! I want their lives to be hidden with Christ in God! Marriage and mothering, while good and usual, have no bearing on these things.

Our culture has told us that Love is the great pursuit. Romantic love without boundaries; marriage is unnecessary. Find your Soul Mate and you’ll have found the One True Thing. Christians have tweaked this to make Love in Marriage the idol. And in conservative circles we may tack mothering on as an extension of that. Marriage and mothering become the main goal. They’re not. They flow out of the main goal, which I already have: I belong to Christ, everything else about me is just details. Details that matter practically for my life, but details none the less.

Now, I’ll start with my disclaimers. I’m not saying that marriage is not meaningful. It is a picture of the Gospel. I’m not saying that motherhood isn’t a high calling. Is it ever! And for those who have been blessed with marriage and mothering, we will, for all practical purposes, spend ourselves on these two things for most or all of our life. That’s good and right and we don’t take it lightly. He put us in the role, after all.

I love the mom blogs. I love the inspiration from wives and mothers who are sacrificing themselves for the sake of others. The “others” in a wife and mom’s life is often her family. There is eternal weight and significance in this. We sacrifice for our families because of who we are in Christ, not the other way around.

And singles also pour out themselves for the sake of others. It just isn’t for their husband or kids. It might be their parents, their siblings, their nieces, nephews, their neighbors, or the nations. Both matter. They overlap. They may look practically different, but at the core, if you’re a believer, you’ll be poured out for other people. And filled up. And poured out. And filled up.

We cannot assume that marriage and motherhood are God’s choice for our daughter–even though both will necessarily be more common as ordinances of creation. I will not presume to train them (only) for a career as a stay-home mom. They may not be moms at all. And if singleness is what God has for them I want to be able to look them in the eye without flinching and say, “Praise God. He has dealt kindly with you and I’m so happy you’re single.” And to do the same thing if they marry.

Growing up and attending weddings I heard young women say that their parents had prayed every night for their future husband. The point was: “Look, it worked! Praise God for this happy ending.” Now, I’m not saying that’s wrong. It may even be right. It depends on how the parent’s prayed it and whether the getting of the godly husband was the penultimate or a hope in subject to God’s will.

If you’re going to pray for your girls’ future husband, there should be a lot of “if’s” in there. “Lord, if it’s your will for my daughter to be married, won’t you give her a husband who loves You and is a man of the Book?! And if she’s to be single, won’t You satisfy her with more and more of Yourself for her joy and Your namesake?!”

I’ll end by encouraging myself and you to pray bigger, more immediate things for your girls’ than mainly for the unknown possibility of a future spouse. We have a faithful God. If our children end up married (and many will) and we didn’t spend their preschool years praying for their husband, we can start once they actually have a beau. He will hear those johnny-come-lately prayers. And I think He’ll be honored by the heart that prized Him as greater than all His gifts and ordinances. He is the Great Reward.

Wouldn’t mind some feedback or pushback on this. What do you think?

adventures in the little things

How do you keep the main thing the main thing, when the main thing is a million little things?

That’s what mothering is. It’s having a heart for the million little things in a day. Especially the little things known as children.

Things like a daughter wanting to create a doll out of my swiffer duster. She calls it the dusting dolly.

Or, things like creative snack times, that let my kids know I’m about more than just getting the food in their stomach and off my to-do list. I have time to delight with them in apple smiles.

Or, little things like agreeing to take a picture of the kids’ food art after dinner.

Or, little things like laughing at Evangeline’s blue crayon debacle of 2011. Boy was that fun on the other end.

It isn’t about catering to our children’s every whim of want. But it is delighting in the direction and duties of the day.

Rachel Jankovic has another wonderful article at Desiring God. Here’s a taste:

“Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”

How I need these reminders. Lord, give me the strength to love my children with Gospel sacrifice in the little things.

note to self: be a drop-out.

I sporadically participate in a competitive world of comparisons.

Note to self: drop out.

This is a plague for moms of every stripe.  Especially young moms with young kids (I think anyway, but who knows maybe it infects the moms with older kids too).

It’s as simple as seeing another child do well at something and, instead of rejoicing for them and moving on, we check to see how our child measures up and are either happy or disappointed at the result.

Or perhaps we see the deftness with which another mom disciplines her kids and we immediately begin to think of what we would have done and find that we fall very short.

So, I say it’s time to drop out of the competitive comparison rat race.  I’ve only dropped out a ga-zillion times before.  But somehow, without realizing it I find myself re-enlisted.

I need to love my kids more by not basing their success on the observation of other individuals who are very different from them in every respect.  Instead  I should focus on who God has made my children to be and expect growth, not perfection.

The same goes for myself.  Concentrate on growth in who God has made me to be.  Cling to Jesus’ sufficiency.

And the dirty little secret is that when we base our children’s success or worth on a standard outside the Bible, such as the measure of other children, we are not loving our kids, we are using them to fulfill our own need and desire for happiness in them through their good behavior or achievement.  We are observing what we think will bring us happiness in the behavior or achievement of other people’s children and applying it to our own kids.

The Bible tells us our children are valuable because God made them.  They are gifts to us.

Plus, the standard of “other people’s children” or the way “other parent’s parent” will never be a high enough standard.  We will be selling ourselves short of the biblical mandates that are the BEST for us and come with the power of Christ working in us to help us in our weaknesses!

I will make a disclaimer here, however, that not all comparisons are bad.  Only the bad ones are bad.  The ones that make you upset with who God has made you and your children to be.  The ones that stir up discontentment and produce smugness or condemnation or apathy.

There is a type of comparison that stirs us up to love and good deeds, that inspires, strengthens and convicts.  I know this kind of comparison because it happens when we are surrounded by people who want the best for us and our kids and who we experience unconditional love with and for.

This good “comparing,” or observing, models for us Biblical commandment-keeping in action.

It happens when I see the families in our small group lovingly parent their kids towards Christ and obedience and I’m inspired and grow in my love for God and for my kids.  Or when I see another mom, humble and lowly, not using her kids to show-off (Lord forgive me for the times I’ve done this), simply nurturing them in the instruction of the Lord.

Comparisons are complicated.  If we’re engaged in them in order to make ourselves feel good about ourselves, the opposite will eventually happen; we’ll feel deficient and we’ll see our children as deficient (and if we don’t smugness and ugliness will overtake us).  But if we look at what godly brothers and sisters do with an attitude of humility, love and learning, we will learn and grow and love.

So, yep, I’m a drop-out.  But just of that bad, competitive kind of comparing.  The other kind I’ll keep: it’s valuable stuff!