We graduated to four and I am loving every minute.
Every minute of tiredness and stress, happiness and glee, showing-off and settling-in, has confirmed what I suspected: four is good. I like having four.
Already my mental head count of kids has shifted from three to four.
Four kids feels comfortable to me, probably because I was the fourth of four. I often have felt like we’re missing someone when our family has been all together. We’ll see if that persists with the addition of Evangeline.
I’m reminded again what undeserved blessings my little children are as I look at these pics from my phone. They are rewarding and sanctifying. They are the Lord’s. I pray that we do all we can to nurture them in the discipline and knowledge of the Lord.
What a weighty task! Thank you Lord for grace, grace, and more grace..
Everybody has rough days. Hard days. Painful days. Difficult days.
It’s one of the things every human has in common, isn’t it? It’s easy to become myopic on these days.
Lately I’ve been trying to recognize what God’s grace looks like in my life on these difficult days. Intellectually I know that God’s grace may very well be the difficulty. But in the midst of it, I rarely feel this. Although knowing it does make a huge difference.
Anyway, today I’m making a small list of how God’s grace is felt by me in the hard moments.. sometimes moments that string along for days or weeks.
1) I feel God’s grace when my 5-yr-old daughter sees my difficulty and ministers to me by offering to play with her younger sister in the other room. Thank you Lord.
2) I feel God’s grace through a husband who’s willing to do whatever it takes to make sure his wife is well-cared for.
3) I feel God’s grace when phone call from a stranger jars me out of some unhelpful thoughts and unwittingly reveals that my life is really a string of blessing upon blessing.
4) I feel God’s grace in Advil Liquid Gels.
5) I feel God’s grace in a messy house that is evidence that we have friends who like us enough to come to our home and stay for a few hours. I wish it lasted longer.
6) I feel God’s grace in a schedule that is empty today, but full tomorrow, and keeps me from drowning at home.
7) I feel God’s grace in the ministry of His Word. It is powerful. It is active. It contains the power and Person of the Gospel, which I need. Everyday.
8) I feel God’s grace in the gift of prayer. The Spirit and the Lord Jesus make it possible for me to pray to God the Father. They cover me and utter for me. They bring me to the throne of a Tender Father, not a wrathful one.
9) I feel God’s grace in the sun heating up my back as I type this. And a house with many windows that lets it stream in. And when I’m done I will turn around and soak it in on my face and my eyeballs.
10) I feel God’s grace in that, when I sat down, I only had 4 or 5 things to list as His felt grace for today, but He is faithful in showing me many more. More than I could ever record.
I sporadically participate in a competitive world of comparisons.
Note to self: drop out.
This is a plague for moms of every stripe. Especially young moms with young kids (I think anyway, but who knows maybe it infects the moms with older kids too).
It’s as simple as seeing another child do well at something and, instead of rejoicing for them and moving on, we check to see how our child measures up and are either happy or disappointed at the result.
Or perhaps we see the deftness with which another mom disciplines her kids and we immediately begin to think of what we would have done and find that we fall very short.
So, I say it’s time to drop out of the competitive comparison rat race. I’ve only dropped out a ga-zillion times before. But somehow, without realizing it I find myself re-enlisted.
I need to love my kids more by not basing their success on the observation of other individuals who are very different from them in every respect. Instead I should focus on who God has made my children to be and expect growth, not perfection.
The same goes for myself. Concentrate on growth in who God has made me to be. Cling to Jesus’ sufficiency.
And the dirty little secret is that when we base our children’s success or worth on a standard outside the Bible, such as the measure of other children, we are not loving our kids, we are using them to fulfill our own need and desire for happiness in them through their good behavior or achievement. We are observing what we think will bring us happiness in the behavior or achievement of other people’s children and applying it to our own kids.
The Bible tells us our children are valuable because God made them. They are gifts to us.
Plus, the standard of “other people’s children” or the way “other parent’s parent” will never be a high enough standard. We will be selling ourselves short of the biblical mandates that are the BEST for us and come with the power of Christ working in us to help us in our weaknesses!
I will make a disclaimer here, however, that not all comparisons are bad. Only the bad ones are bad. The ones that make you upset with who God has made you and your children to be. The ones that stir up discontentment and produce smugness or condemnation or apathy.
There is a type of comparison that stirs us up to love and good deeds, that inspires, strengthens and convicts. I know this kind of comparison because it happens when we are surrounded by people who want the best for us and our kids and who we experience unconditional love with and for.
This good “comparing,” or observing, models for us Biblical commandment-keeping in action.
It happens when I see the families in our small group lovingly parent their kids towards Christ and obedience and I’m inspired and grow in my love for God and for my kids. Or when I see another mom, humble and lowly, not using her kids to show-off (Lord forgive me for the times I’ve done this), simply nurturing them in the instruction of the Lord.
Comparisons are complicated. If we’re engaged in them in order to make ourselves feel good about ourselves, the opposite will eventually happen; we’ll feel deficient and we’ll see our children as deficient (and if we don’t smugness and ugliness will overtake us). But if we look at what godly brothers and sisters do with an attitude of humility, love and learning, we will learn and grow and love.
So, yep, I’m a drop-out. But just of that bad, competitive kind of comparing. The other kind I’ll keep: it’s valuable stuff!
I have a love and burden for God’s people who are depressed and sorrowing.
God has also worked in me to give me a love and burden for His people who don’t seem to “get” sorrow. Christians should be the most tender-hearted, loving, encouraging people toward one another the world has ever seen. And I long to see His people (and myself) do this.
But, sometimes instead of helping the sorrowing to make their calling and election sure; to encourage them as long as it is called today; to continually pray for all the saints; we say things with arrogance that wound Christ’s own body.
Here’s a few hurtful generalizations/assumptions I’ve heard said to people belonging to Christ. And also, my responses to them:
1) Depression is made-up. Nobody had depression 2,ooo years ago.
A: To that I say, look to the Psalms or Lamentations or Ecclesiastes or the Minor Prophets or Jesus plight in the Garden or Job. No, the parallels aren’t perfect, but the Bible is rich with examples of God’s people in great sorrow. The lesson from Scripture is to comfort. They will know we are Christians by our love for one another.
2) Depression is a generational sin. You may call it genetic, but I think it’s the sins of the father’s being passed down.
A: I don’t think it’s any more generational sin than high blood pressure is. But certainly the blind man that the disciples asked about comes to mind when assuming generational sin. Is our view of God big enough to believe that he may cause depression for His glory, the way He caused blindness for His glory? And, if you belong to Christ, you are no longer a slave to the law of sin and death, but to Christ.
[Add-on: Providentially, my pastor just posted on this very topic!]
3) Depression itself isn’t a sin, but taking anti-depressants is a crutch that takes you away from reliance on God.
A: I think that anti-depressants are part of God’s common grace to mankind. I’ve yet to meet a Christian who takes them and, as a result, has been pulled away from God or reliance on God. When they are viewed as a means of grace, the depressed person’s affections and thankfulness to the Lord is increased and they are humbled. And from this humility reliance on Him may grow.
4) The Bible is all-sufficient for life and Godliness, not the Bible and anti-depressants.
A: We don’t tell women suffering with low thyroid that their tiredness is really just idle laziness and that the Bible is sufficient for them to live a more godly life. We are compassionate with them as fellow sisters and laborers for the Lord.
We tell them to take thyroid medication to change the balance of the hormone. We don’t admonish them as idle, though they seem totally healthy. And the Bible is completely and utterly sufficient to help guide them (or the depressed person taking medication) through that part of their life and reveal true Godliness to them.
5) Depression means you don’t believe God and His Word. If you did, you wouldn’t be depressed… it’s Good News, after all! You just aren’t reading the Bible enough.
A: Reading the Bible is sometimes the only thing a sorrowing person can do, along with whispering desperate prayers and hoping that others whisper them on their behalf. The depth of Biblical wisdom and love of Scripture I have found in depressed Christians is great. And often their depression does not push them from God, but opens their eyes to the reality that God holds them, apart from works or will.
I may be preaching to the choir with all these posts about sorrow. But here’s the point: smug remarks about depression and prozac are one sure way to drive a fellow brother or sister in Christ to silence, or worse yet, drive them right out the door.
And so I will continue to plead for the lowly: take care with them! It’s what Christians do!
We (myself included) talk about “depression” like it’s one singular obtuse thing. It isn’t. It could mean something minor or major* or clinical*. It is an array of many particular feelings to particular people with particular circumstances.
I am trying to refer to it in more terms than just “depression.” Something more specific. For me the phrase “sorrow without a cause,” seems to fit. I also identify strongly with the word “lowly.” Lowly is an almost perfect descriptor for how I feel when “depressed.”
I’m realizing that sorrow and lowliness will probably be a battle for me my whole life. So I write about it because I’m learning and processing for myself and also to encourage others to deal in a Christ-like, loving way with sorrowing people.
Here’s a glimpse from the cheap seats of me while low:
1) I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. As though someone very dear to me has died or is in peril. It is an overwhelming sense of grief and mourning, but seemingly unfounded.
2) I feel on the verge. On the verge of crying all the time (which I often do), on the verge of collapsing, on the verge of being totally out of control, on the verge of going to bed and never getting up.
3) I feel alone.
4) I feel like people don’t care. Like I’m a freak and nobody in the Christian world wants to deal with someone like me. Who’s got time for someone with a made-up problem like depression, when there are people really suffering out there. Quit sinning and be happy in Christ you downer.
5) I feel like holing up somewhere. My instincts are avoid avoid avoid. Avoid people, conversations, eye contact. This gets a little tricky with three dependent little ones at home.
6) I feel like my life is in black and white and everyone else is living in color.
7) I feel like someone set me to s l o w-m o t i o n. My limbs are slow, my words are slow, my thoughts are slow. Everything sticks and needs some grease.
8) I feel very aware of my sin. I say with David, “My sin is ever before me..” This may be one benefit of my sorrow. It puts me in my proper place before the gracious and holy God. In the midst of sorrow I have no self-righteousness, no independence. It becomes crystal clear that Christ holds me, apart from works. Each breath is grace upon grace.
I want to be clear about why I write about this. It’s not for personal sympathy, although sympathy is a good thing and I do long for it at times.
I share my sorrow because maybe depression has seemed diffuse and distant to you–like you can’t relate to it– and this can be the beginning of a real person’s experience for you to understand.
Mostly I share it so that we will take care of the lowly person in our lives. And so that we will be reminded of 1 Thess. 5: 14 ”..encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” (a recent fighter verse). And to “..weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15)
The Bible doesn’t say, weep with those who (in our estimation) have a good reason to be weeping. Just weep with them, even if we deem their sorrow to have no legitimate cause, or even if we think their sorrow is self-indulgent drivel. We can’t know all the factors at play. God does; He is the Judge.
Our job is to see our brother or sister in Christ who’s hurting and know that, even in their depression, we have a lot more commonalities than we do differences.
I Cor. 12:22-26 “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor.. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”
*Major or clinical depression has a specific diagnosis. If you meet the criteria (for time required, etc), I would urge you to seek outside help.
You go to a retreat/camp/mission trip/(some other spiritually-growth-filled time) and you have an awesome time. You are excited about the Lord’s work in your life and thankful. Then you get home and life seems to close in on you. You’re trying to love people well, if only they’d be more lovable!
I remember being in middle school and high school and experiencing this quite profoundly. I would often return from a spiritual mountaintop experience only to sink into a funk that would take weeks to recover from. God was gracious in those times. I felt like I was clinging to Him with white knuckles, barely keeping myself together.
Now I know he was holding on to me.
Mr. TommyD and I just returned from a marriage retreat. It’s our third year in a row to go and lead worship for the event. I love it. It’s a highlight of our year for many reasons. Time away from the kids and work. A chance to sing together, which is a rarer and rarer occurrence. We get to fellowship with friends for longer, more focused amounts of time. Space to evaluate our marriage and introspect.
That's us at the sweetheart banquet! He's good-lookin'!
This retreat met and exceeded my expectations. Great speaker, great friends, great time with Mr. TommyD. However, now that we’re home, I’m feeling spent. Emotionally spent. After a weekend where I’m supposed to come away refreshed, ready to dive into life, I feel like a need a week to recover. You can pray for me!
Praise God, it’s not like it was when I was a teen: a complete isolating funk. It’s more of a vague feeling of engulfment. I’m keenly aware of my sin and it’s a bit paralyzing. So I’m trying to move through the day embracing God’s grace, but not complacent about the sin everywhere.
I am, by God’s grace, thankful that He continues to reveal areas in my life that are sinful and dark. This in itself, is evidence that I am His. He cares for His children enough to show them the places of their sin and darkness and we all have them. If He didn’t do it, I should be concerned.
Seeing my ugliness, should move me to the cross and Christ’s beauty. That’s where I want to live in all my relationships: in the shadow of the cross. Right now I feel like I’m pushing through, gutting it out, getting on with life. The reality is, what feels like me “gutting it out,” is really Christ carrying me through. He’s gracious, isn’t He?
Thanks for letting me use this post to preach a little to myself. I need it.
Have you ever suffered from post retreat crash-and-burn syndrome? What’s it like for you? How do you deal with it?
If you have spent any time at this blog, I hope you’ve noticed something. I hope you’ve noticed an inescapable theme woven through and shaping all my thinking and writing. The theme is the Gospel.
I have opinions about many things, and I can say with certainty that many of them are flawed. Sometimes our opinions are a reflection of ourselves, they’re subjective and based on subjective life circumstances. But there are times when our “opinions” are really beliefs, beliefs based on a reality.
I think that what I believe about God and His Son, Jesus, and the Bible is one of the latter things. It is a belief based on a fact, a reality, a truth.
If I said I believe Lincoln was the President during the Civil War and gave the Gettysburg address and was assassinated while watching the opera, that belief would be true. It is based on actual events that happened.
I believe the Bible to have the same sort of historical factual information, and much much more.
Here are the nuts and bolts of what I believe:
God made the earth and Adam and Eve. They lived in harmony with God, until they sinned. After they sinned they were separated from God and they and the earth became cursed as a result of their evil.
The sin problem plagued every human from then on. It has been life’s biggest, most serious problem. Their sin, and ours, is against a holy and perfect God who cannot tolerate it and must send sinners to eternal punishment.
For hundreds of years, God’s people, Israel, tried to make peace with God by sacrificing animals to atone for their sin. God was gracious in forbearing with these less than perfect sacrifices.
Prophets like Isaiah foretold the coming of a man, called the Messiah, who would save the people from their sins. And that this Savior would save more than just Israel, but would be for all peoples. He would be the perfect sacrifice needed to bring peace with God and overcome sin and death. He would, in fact, be God incarnate.
This God-man, the Messiah, named Jesus, was born of a virgin Mary, he was begotten of God the Father, and He lived a perfect life. He loved everyone perfectly and was good and just and all the things we might try to be, but fail.
Eventually He was hanged on a cross. This was the will of His Father. It was part of a plan that the Father had to bring reconciliation between Himself and sinful people. The same sinful people that crucified Christ, would now have the opportunity for peace with God through the very death they enacted. Jesus was crushed for our iniquity.
And after He was murdered on our behalf, He rose from the dead after three days, thereby defeating death forever.
When He rose from the dead, He was seen by many witnesses and even ate a meal with His disciples. Then God took Him up to heaven.
This all happened over 2000 years ago. You can read about it in the Bible. The Bible is God’s Word. This means that what is written in the Bible is not simply an historical account (although it is that too), but God’s very words to us, that He inspired mere humans to write. Everything in it is True and for the benefit of sinful people to come to God and know God and glorify God.
For me, this is good news.
This is life-changing news. It is Life for my dead heart. It is Light for my dark mind. It is Bread for my hungry soul. It is the Way, when all ways were shut. It is the Good Shepherd, when all had gone astray. It is the Truth, when lies were closing in.
Does this sound like good news to you?
Do you sense God’s Holy Spirit beckoning you to taste and see that the Lord is good? Do you long to cast your burden of sin onto Jesus, gaining for yourself freedom from sin and joy in loving God in this life and forever in heaven? Do you want to give thanks to God for this gift? Do you desire to see His name made great, because you now see that He is Great?
I hope you do. I hope you want to run and find the nearest Bible to learn more about this thing called Christianity. I hope you decide to find a church that believes the Bible and is depending on Christ for their salvation through faith alone (trusting and believing God), by grace alone (not depending on good works).
If you want to hear the good news again, in someone else’s words. Here it is:
Please contact me or a Christian in your life, if you have turned from your sin and are now resting in Christ’s Righteousness.
Sometimes I think depression in Christian women doesn’t exist, until I start to talk about my own experience with it, then, it seems, women come out of the woodwork, finally freed to tell their story.
Every single depressed person has a different story, different circumstances, different reasons. But we all share an acquaintance with sorrow and a neediness for Christ that is so intense it binds us together.
I thought I’d share some ways that friends have helped me as I have dealt with sorrow.
1) They make no assumptions. Sometimes we assume we understand the cause of the sorrow. If your friend is deeply depressed the causes may be many and varied. Drawing the reasons out is a slow process and may never fully happen. Don’t assume it’s sin. Don’t assume it’s poor Bible-reading habits. It may be one of those.. but it may not.
2) They refrain from trying to fix it. It may not be fixable. If you feel tempted to suggest a dietary change or supplement or a regimen of behavior modification, work at holding your tongue. This can be hurtful for the depressed person who’s already tried everything. It also makes light of their suffering (unintentionally).
3) They are never scared off by the depth of the sorrow. They will hear the thoughts that are scary and dark-then gently, slowly speak truth to them. They aren’t afraid of ugly crying.
4) They aren’t easily offended. When I cease to answer the phone or can’t keep an engagement (for no good reason) they don’t take it personally. If I don’t send thank-you cards or can’t return an email, they forbear with love.
5) They read the Word to me. Depressed people may be unable to read it on their own. Reading it may seem to have no effect, but it could be providing a ray of light to them that is like air. Help them to breath.
6) They aren’t going anywhere. Depressed people are downers. Good friends commit to them for the long-haul. Let them know that you aren’t going anywhere. Be willing to give to them and receive nothing in return.
7) They let me borrow their faith and joy for a season, since it seems I have none of my own.
8) They’re willing to rat me out to family or doctors if things get out of hand.
One of the hardest things for me, when depressed, is that I have no justification for it. No death in the family to point to, no infertility, no catastrophic event. I should be happy, shouldn’t I?? Sometimes I think of depression as sorrow without a cause.
I am glad that Christ was a man of many sorrows and well-acquainted with grief. He sympathizes in my sorrow without a cause.
And He knows the cause. He caused it. I rest in this fact. The best thing to come from my depression is knowing that He causes it and He holds me firmly in His hand. He will not let me fall. No sorrow can snatch me out of His hand.
Who knew that when I became a parent I would be catapulted into a world of desperate prayers?
Nowadays they range from the urgently practical (Lord, I pray that Eliza would have flushed the toilet and put the seat down, as Elianna heads for the bathroom) to the ridiculously selfish (Lord, please make my children good readers) to the deep inward utterings (Lord, please save their souls, keep them from evil, don’t leave them to their own devices, help them love You!)
I found this list on the desiring God blog and thought those of you with little ones (or big ones) might appreciate it. Or if you are a friend, uncle, youth worker, grandparent, these could be helpful.
I can’t think of a better gift to give to children and their parents than to commit to pray for their children in this way.
That Jesus will call them and no one will hinder them from coming.
Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15)
That they will respond in faith to Jesus’ faithful, persistent call.
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)
That they will experience sanctification through the transforming work of the Holy Spirit and will increasingly desire to fulfill the greatest commandments.
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)
That they will not be unequally yoked in intimate relationships, especially marriage.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)
That their thoughts will be pure.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)
That their hearts will be stirred to give generously to the Lord’s work.
All the men and women, the people of Israel, whose heart moved them to bring anything for the work that the Lord had commanded by Moses to be done brought it as a freewill offering to the Lord. (Exodus 35:29)
That when the time is right, they will GO!
And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)
What do you pray for your kids or the beloved children around you?
Today is my mom’s birthday. There are lots of things that I love about my mom. Here are a few things about her that I hope to someday emulate:
1) She is generous and holds onto material things loosely. More often than not, if you admire something she has, she will give it to you. Even special, big things.
2) She adopts people, and not just for a season. My mom included some of my friends like family when I was growing up. Not that they were just allowed to tag along. She loved(s) them (probably more than I did at times), and, even now, she holds them very closely in her heart, prays for them and misses them. She does this with lots of people, more than just my friends.
3) She is feminine, yet very very capable when it comes to all things electronic, fixing things, yard work, handling a chainsaw, and just hard work in general.
4) She handles large life-changes with determination and grace. Being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes after 50 is a pretty big shock to the system, but she has persevered, throwing herself into the new lifestyle, and barely missed a beat.
5) When she has guests over, she makes them feel like they are doing her a huge favor by being there. As though, changing the sheets and making the food for them is a big honor for her.
6) She is the best Nana I know, possibly the best the in the whole world. She cares about and nurtures her grandkids’ spiritual development. She babysits tirelessly. She has a special and distinct relationship with each of her 12 grandkids. They all feel very loved.
7) She is in relationships for the long-haul and isn’t afraid of a messy one. If you’re a hopelessly flawed person, my mom won’t be scared off, she’s in it for the duration. She gives grace as she’s received it.
8) She has the right perspective on things. Things are meant to be used for a purpose. If they break in the process, no sweat. It means they were getting used. She doesn’t protect her things, she protects people.
9) She has never apologized for being first and foremost the manager of her home. She stayed home when we kids were growing up and she stays home now. She understands the value in it.
10) It is her glory to overlook an offense. This probably happens much more than I know.
Well, as I read through the list, I know it falls short. But it is a glimpse of the things I see and hope to be. And, if you know my mom, you know that, for her, talk is cheap. So, while she will appreciate this list, she is a woman of action. So, if I write the list with admiration, but don’t treat her well, it means little. And she’s right. That’s another thing I could add to my list.
