why I don’t pray (much) for my girls’ future husbands

Now that I’ve exposed myself a bit shockingly, let me soften the blow. I do pray occasionally that my girls be blessed by a happy marriage with a man who is Christ-centered and Bible-loving to the core.

But not very often.

The simple answer why not is two-part: because I have no idea if they will have husbands and because having a husband isn’t the most important thing for them.

I also don’t pray for my daughter’s future children, because I don’t know if she’ll have them.

You may wonder if I’m saying that having a husband is a bad thing? No. Obviously. I’m happily married and grateful to be.

Am I saying I don’t want my girls to get married? No. I would be very pleased if they got married. Do I want them to have children if they’re married? Yes. But, just because marriage and family are the common way God does things doesn’t mean that it will happen for my kids.

What I’m saying is, is that praying for marriage and a spouse isn’t the highest thing I can pray for my girls. What do I communicate about my priorities for them by praying that? That I’m happily married and want the same blessing for them?  Hopefully. That marriage and families are a good design of God to pass the faith onto the next generation? Hopefully. But I also may subtly give them the message that singleness is second best. Or unthinkable, at worst.

I’ve never heard a mother say that she’s praying that her daughter will have a life of happy singleness and single-minded devotion to the Lord. Yet, Paul desires us to be single and says it’s a good thing. Nor have I heard a mother pray that for her son. If I heard a woman doing that, I would think, “I sure hope she’s not disappointed if she ends up as a mother-in-law to some poor girl.”

The Bible is clear that both marriage and singleness are good. Gen 2:18 “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” Eccl. 4:9 “Two are better than one..” 1 Cor. 7:8 “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.” 1 Cor. 7:38 “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.”

I like this as a summary from Paul on singleness: “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” 1 Corinthians 7:7

So, what would Paul make of us praying for our children’s future spouses or for them to be married and mothers? Much more than that, how do those prayers fall on the ears of our Lord? Are they the pleasing aroma of moms who love their God so much that all other loves look like hate in comparison? Or, does God hear a perversion of a created order? Has an idol been erected in place of a good gift? Are we asking God for married daughters and godly future spouses because we secretly believe that this is the ULTIMATE thing for them to have. Not Jesus.

Praying for future marriage and motherhood seems so far down the line, when I think of the high things I can pray for my kids, things that are undoubtedly part of God’s revealed moral will. I want them to know GOD! I want them to look on Jesus and see Him clearly, as the Savior, not as a fool or a figment of imaginations! I want them to be KEPT until the final day! I want their lives to be hidden with Christ in God! Marriage and mothering, while good and usual, have no bearing on these things.

Our culture has told us that Love is the great pursuit. Romantic love without boundaries; marriage is unnecessary. Find your Soul Mate and you’ll have found the One True Thing. Christians have tweaked this to make Love in Marriage the idol. And in conservative circles we may tack mothering on as an extension of that. Marriage and mothering become the main goal. They’re not. They flow out of the main goal, which I already have: I belong to Christ, everything else about me is just details. Details that matter practically for my life, but details none the less.

Now, I’ll start with my disclaimers. I’m not saying that marriage is not meaningful. It is a picture of the Gospel. I’m not saying that motherhood isn’t a high calling. Is it ever! And for those who have been blessed with marriage and mothering, we will, for all practical purposes, spend ourselves on these two things for most or all of our life. That’s good and right and we don’t take it lightly. He put us in the role, after all.

I love the mom blogs. I love the inspiration from wives and mothers who are sacrificing themselves for the sake of others. The “others” in a wife and mom’s life is often her family. There is eternal weight and significance in this. We sacrifice for our families because of who we are in Christ, not the other way around.

And singles also pour out themselves for the sake of others. It just isn’t for their husband or kids. It might be their parents, their siblings, their nieces, nephews, their neighbors, or the nations. Both matter. They overlap. They may look practically different, but at the core, if you’re a believer, you’ll be poured out for other people. And filled up. And poured out. And filled up.

We cannot assume that marriage and motherhood are God’s choice for our daughter–even though both will necessarily be more common as ordinances of creation. I will not presume to train them (only) for a career as a stay-home mom. They may not be moms at all. And if singleness is what God has for them I want to be able to look them in the eye without flinching and say, “Praise God. He has dealt kindly with you and I’m so happy you’re single.” And to do the same thing if they marry.

Growing up and attending weddings I heard young women say that their parents had prayed every night for their future husband. The point was: “Look, it worked! Praise God for this happy ending.” Now, I’m not saying that’s wrong. It may even be right. It depends on how the parent’s prayed it and whether the getting of the godly husband was the penultimate or a hope in subject to God’s will.

If you’re going to pray for your girls’ future husband, there should be a lot of “if’s” in there. “Lord, if it’s your will for my daughter to be married, won’t you give her a husband who loves You and is a man of the Book?! And if she’s to be single, won’t You satisfy her with more and more of Yourself for her joy and Your namesake?!”

I’ll end by encouraging myself and you to pray bigger, more immediate things for your girls’ than mainly for the unknown possibility of a future spouse. We have a faithful God. If our children end up married (and many will) and we didn’t spend their preschool years praying for their husband, we can start once they actually have a beau. He will hear those johnny-come-lately prayers. And I think He’ll be honored by the heart that prized Him as greater than all His gifts and ordinances. He is the Great Reward.

Wouldn’t mind some feedback or pushback on this. What do you think?

a place to dwell secure

I’m sick. Nothing big, just run of the mill stuff. Anyway, I thought I’d show you how God met me today in His Word. He meets me everyday with choicest food, then He sustains me as I talk with Him through the day. He satisfies my longings and speaks to the littleness of my life–He does it all through His Word. He’s a good God. I can trust Him. So can you.

Whenever I’m sick it reminds me that I’m going to die. That should be obvious, but sometimes I forget. So, the Lord said this to me, to increase my security and love for Him:

“For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling..” 1 Cor. 5:1,2

Also, we’ve been house hunting, which can be a bit consuming, and the Lord gave me this truth to uphold me and make me marvel at His utter Other-ness and Steadfastness. He is high in His ways!

“Of old you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment. You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away, but you are the same, and your years have no end. The children of your servants shall dwell secure; their offspring shall be established before you.” Ps. 102:25-28

Do you see what God did there? He brought two perfect Truths, right out of His mouth spoken to my mind and heart. He brought them to bear on my life. They dovetail perfectly. Day after day He does this, because that’s the kind of God He is.

Hear the Word of the Lord and praise Him, for He is our dwelling place forever!

Note: These passages come from Day 103 of the ESV Study Bible plan. I’m about a week behind, but the Lord knew exactly what I would read on this day, and according to Him, I’m right on track.

singing Hosanna at home with the least of these

Illness is no respecter of holy days. Vomit does not keep a calendar. If it did, I’d be at church on Palm Sunday, not home with a baby and bodily fluids.

Mommas everywhere know the nagging disappointment of missing church, again, because illness has taken captive a little person’s body under your care. It’s especially tough during the holidays. No watching your other children sing their little hearts out in choir. No hugs with friends with that extra tight squeeze to let  each other know you care. No joyous trumpets announcing the coming King. And no palm branches waving with loud Hosannas praising–Jesus.

The desire to be with the people of God, to worship Jesus among them, to receive the preaching of the Word like a fire hose for my thirsty soul–these are good desires. And God delights to give me these gifts for my good and welfare. They are necessary blessings, which he regularly grants and ordains. But they are not what God planned for my Palm Sunday.

This morning, my sanctuary had laundry strewn about from the previous evening’s emesis, an all too perky Christian radio station blaring, and consisted of myself and one pale-faced, somber, little one. Rather than hearing the sweet voices of the children’s loud, “Hosanna!” the Lord received the praise of a weak-voiced thirty-something, whose Hosanna rang with tears and wet hair and slippers.

Elisabeth Elliot said, “This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.”

Can we mommas, at home with sick children, missing the preaching and fellowship of the body, say, “Amen!” to this? Do we believe that God withholds no good thing from us? That He is working this all out in a way that actually draws us deeper into Him and into greater satisfaction and peace? Do we trust that as we give good things to our sick babies at home because we love them that God the Father is giving us a fish, not a serpent, because He loves us all the more?

In the Sunday mornings at home, the Lord delights to give me bread, not a stone. He feeds me the bread by His Word. He ministers tenderly to my spirit by allowing me to fulfill His commands to the least of these: my sick, small, completely dependent and helpless baby. This child, for whom I would gladly give my life, I am privileged to sacrifice for on these mornings.

The Lord has poured out His wrath on His Son. His Son has sacrificed on my behalf. And it has been granted to me to lovingly care for my children with the strength of love by which Christ endured the cross. That is a powerful love.

So, mommas and daddies, and all those for whom God has ordained a time away from the presence of His people on Sunday or Saturday night, we can take heart in our loving Good Shepherd, who tends to us wherever we are—in our laundry-filled living rooms or rocking little babies, in our slippers or our Sunday clothes.

“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will gather them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Isaiah 40:11

the miraculous sermons in my front yard

A couple of weeks back I was cleaning out flower beds. That, in itself, is a minor miracle, considering it was mid-march in Minnesota.

As I raked out a few leaves and pulled off dead stuff, I had no expectation of seeing growth–none whatsoever. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.

Amazing right? I had been lulled to sleep by winter, but these little shoots jolted me awake to the reality that God had done it again. He made life come out of the ground. Spring does not usually catch me by surprise, (at least not since I’ve lived in MN and so desperately longed for it) but this year, it did.

Now comes one of the sermons my front yard provided.

Can you see it? It looks kind of watery, but it wasn’t. It was pure ice. There were green shoots growing straight through a block of ice attached to the ground.

Just look at it! Leftover death in the form of the long brown leafy things and present death in the form of the ice. And the small green shoot is the miracle of new birth in Christ amidst it all screaming at me to take notice. That shoot is saying, “LOOK at me! This is what happened to you when God quickened life into your dead and sinful heart!” And that is a true testimony. Out of past death and present darkness my new heart was born through Christ.

And here’s sermon number two, just a foot and half away from sermon number one.

Yep, that’s a thistle. Oooo, I hate them. I pulled this one out with my bare hand. Because sometimes I need to know what sin feels like to my skin. I can mask what it feels like in my heart, but when it makes my hand bleed, there’s no denying it. And the thistle did its God given job of yelling, “Sin isn’t a soft pet that you keep and coddle. It’s prickly and voracious. It is a living, spreading death.”

Our God, El Roi, The God Who Sees, sees us in every little thing we do, and His creation testifies to greater things than mere shoots and thistles. Do I have eyes to see what the Father has revealed in His spoken world? Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear!

“’Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow.4 And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. 5 Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil.6 And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. 8 And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.” 9 And he said, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.’”   Mark 4:3-9

seven layers of delicious complexity

I salivate over seven layer bars.

I became enamored with them in college. They were available almost every single day in the DC (dining center) at Bethel. How spoiled I was. And, oh, how I took those days of dining with choices galore and desserts every meal for granted.

One of the best things about seven layer bars at my house is that no one else likes them. I know, right?! It’s a sweet deal.

The other night Tom and I were talking about our kids and how unique they each are. And how with each one entering our family, we are forced have an opportunity to grow and “expand our skill set,” as Rachel Jankovic says in Loving the Little Years.

Children– well, people (which children are, after all), are complex, layered little beings. Not only is every child completely unique, but their uniqueness changes as they grow! The minute you think you have your child pegged as ‘x’ they start to expand and grow into ‘x’ and ‘q’.

This is why parents (um, me) should refrain from pegging their children too strongly in any sense. This will quickly become pigeon-holing. It’s all well and good to say, “John’s the talkative one and Sally’s the shy one and Bill’s the athletic one and June’s the math whiz,” if it’s true and inescapable. But it may be true only for a short while. And it may not be the whole truth.

It doesn’t serve our children well to give them a permanent assignment of their person. Rather, as a pastor at our church often says, “Commend the commendable in them,” (meaning the things pertaining to godly character). Strengthen their identity in Christ and let the other stuff wax and wane as it will.

Children have this ability to become what we repeatedly say they are. Or to rebel against it. So, if a parent says over and over, “Sally’s the shy one.” Sally will most definitely be the shy one. Perhaps until she goes away to college.

Our children are complex by design. They have been made by their Creator with complexity, layers if you will, and the ability to grow and change . We want to encourage this ability as much as we can. It is training in godliness to give our children the security to go from “the athletic one” to “the athletic book worm.” Someday they will need to go from “the student,” to “the student and teacher.”

Not to mention all the absolute changes that repentance requires. But, that’s starting down a different road.

The bottom line is this: knowing our children means observing when they change and expand, and embracing it with them. Encouraging it in them. Not assigning them who they are at 5 years old, thinking, “Well, I’ve got them figured out,” and repeating it until they’re 15. You may have them figured out at 5–it’s possible and probable in some respects. But don’t assume you do. Keep watching. Keep learning. Keep getting to know the complexity that’s in your child.

It will serve them well. It will make them deeper, richer people. And it will do the same for us parents, as well.

“Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 1:5-8

alive in Christ

Eliza got me an orchid for Christmas.

I’m notorious for killing houseplants. And outdoor plants. And anything green, growing and beautiful. I am working on my 180 in this regard. My plan is to be a sower, grower, nurturer and harvester. I’ll let you know how I come along.

So, this orchid was given to me on Christmas Eve Day. And it’s still alive. Full stop.

Just writing that sentence “And it’s still alive,” makes me do a double take. I seriously just glanced up from my chair to the orchid to make sure that it hadn’t, in fact, died in the last 15 minutes. Stranger things have happened.

Sometimes I look at myself and I do the same thing. I see my face and think, “I’m still alive.” I feel like an orchid living on a windowsill in a Minnesota house. This is not my natural habitat, and it is going to take someone who knows something about how to care for me to keep me alive. Thanks be to God, He does!

Life is very full of all kinds of crazy hard things. Some good hard, some bad hard. Some a mix of both. And God, in His wisdom, intends for us to live through them. We stay alive. We weather storms and sadness and joys and triumphs and things we never saw coming.

My Tom is far away in India right now, sharing the Gospel with people who haven’t heard it. And I’m alive here: praying, participating, wondering if he’ll come back, trusting in the One who is trustworthy. I was meant to live through this joyful, hard thing and a million other things that are easy, difficult, fun, painful, everything in between.

I’ve read a number of articles on blooming where you’re planted. They’re good. They hit on elements of contentment amid circumstances that you might wish otherwise. But I confess, sometimes a nagging objection surfaces that I wasn’t meant to be planted here.. in this world. Not in the ground anyway. I’m a potted plant– a visitor, an alien, with a caretaker who created me and knows how to keep me alive until I get transplanted to my true home in heaven– all praise to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul says in Phillippians, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved.”

And in Ephesians, the Lord gives us this beautiful and costly reality to hold on to:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” [emphasis mine]

So, yes, I am alive in Christ in this world, meant to live the life I’ve been given. And I am also seated with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus– my eternal home in the Lord. I am so grateful.

holding Jesus close

Evangeline carried baby Jesus all around at Christmas time. And we carry Him with us everywhere we go when we are in Christ.

We hold him dear, because He is dear. We hold him close, because He is close. He cares for us in our desperate moments of need and in our happy moments of joy.

And we share Him with everyone we meet, because He cannot be kept secret.

With Jesus as our surest hope and strength, we do not fear the days to come, knowing that nothing happens that is apart from the work of His hand and His plan. He is good and He loves us!

With Jesus as our Redeemer, we do the little things, like eating lunch, cleaning up and carrying on. He redeems our days for His glory.

Fernando Ortega says it best. What solace for our souls:

“In the morning, when I rise

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me JesusGive me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus”

the final wait

We have entered the last week of advent. We remember the wait for the birth of baby Jesus.

We remember the waiting that has already been consummated. It has been completed: Jesus did come. Yet we remember and reenact it. But we do not wonder what it’s like to really wait, as though it’s a reenacting apart from our present circumstance that we merely remember. We have our own waiting to do.

For ours is the final wait. We wait for the end, the returning, the perfecting, the new heavens and new earth. Or we wait for our own end that will take us to an early glory. Yes, we are familiar with waiting. Perhaps we are less familiar with the arriving. The actual completion of things waited for. So, we practice the completion at Christmas. We remember that the Messiah, long awaited for, finally did come. And so, we take heart in ours, the final wait.

“8 But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 9 The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” 2 Peter 3:8,9

Thank you, Lord, for the waiting.

ministering to the depressed

David Murray has some very helpful things to say about depression and ministering to the depressed.

HT: Justin Taylor

links to make you think

Here are some links to articles that made me think. Hopefully they made me think more rightly and more biblically. Consider for yourself!

Christian Yoga? It’s a Stretch. by Mark Driscoll

What Hath Westminster to Do With Wall Street (And Its Occupiers)? by Kevin DeYoung

How to Serve “The Singles” — Ministry to Unmarried Adults in Your Local Church by Carolyn McCulley

Don’t Adopt!  by Russell Moore

Dads, Your Leadership Role is Inescapable by Doug Wilson

*I do not endorse all the views of all the writers linked to here. I simply found these articles interesting and helpful.