miscarriage and memorials

I think a lot of miscarriages happen with little said or done.

Many women miscarry before they’ve had the chance to tell family and friends that they’re pregnant.  And so, after the loss of their little ones, they soldier on.  The baby is remembered mainly in the heart of a grieving mother.

For me, it’s helpful to have physical reminders of the little one who’s no longer with us.  It helps me to keep from feeling like I’m grieving for something small and insignificant.

A visible physical reminder says, “Yes, there was a baby in you.  Yes, you did carry him or her.  Yes, you had a lifetime of love for that little one.  Yes, the baby was taken away in a physically painful and heart-wrenching way.  It was all real.  It happened.”

And I want to remember that baby.  I want to remember the happy months of that pregnancy.

So, I have two ways of doing that.  I didn’t come up with either way.

The first is something my friend told me she does.  She keeps a memory box of everything relating to the babies no longer with her.  I keep my things in a file.  Sympathy cards that people have given me, special emails printed out, congratulations from when we announced we were expecting.  Anything tangible that relates to the baby goes in my file.

The second is a tree that my parents bought for us and my dad came and planted in our yard.  It’s a white blossoming crabapple.  (And yes, I will dig it up and take it with us if we ever move).  It was a very thoughtful gesture by my dad and it means a lot to me.

The kids helped plant it and after they were done Tom read most of Psalm 139 for us and prayed.  It’s been helpful for the kids in understanding what happened.  They know the baby in my tummy died, and our baby tree helps them remember it in a sweet and sad way; remembering and honoring.

And I’m hoping that as the tree grows and blooms it will be a sweeter remembrance to me than it is now.  A reminder of a gift that was given only for a short time, but of eternal value.

taking on the terrific 2′s!

Elianna turned two on Friday.

We are so thankful for her life!  And to commemorate the event, here’s a little reminder of her life this past year.

The top ten things of Elianna’s year as a 1-year-old (from her mother’s perspective):

1) You speak!  In sentences, even!  (Sometimes anyway..)  Your vocabulary is exploding and I only wish we could understand more of it!

2) You’re becoming masterful at jumping and spinning, which you do whether the occasion warrants it or not.  You definitely have a streak of your father’s daring in you.  We’ll see if it lasts.

3) You’re quite attached to your daddy.  More so than Eliza and Seth were during their 1-year-old year.  I love this!

4) You love to smile.  Every so often you try to hide this fact, but just a little prodding and your smile can’t help but burst on the scene.  Your smile is beautiful.

5) You and your “nuk-nuk” have gone everywhere together.  We are slowly de-taching you from it.  Hopefully when I write this year-in-review for age 2, it will be gone.

6) You aren’t a big fan of going to the nursery.  You never put up any fuss during the first year and a half of your life, so I’m not complaining now.  I’ll just say that you would prefer not to go, but I always get a good and cheerful report of your time spent there.

7) You love animals.  You like to ride Bob-the-pony.  You hold chickens by yourself.  You ask dogs to lick you.

8) You motor around the pool independently (well, independently with water wings..).  You cry when I make you get out.  You love love love water.

9) You like to sing!  Yay!  However, you don’t like to be put on the spot; you enjoy singing when your by yourself, just playing and singing.

10) The overwhelming theme of this past year (and perhaps of much of the next few years?) is that you like to keep up with your sister and brother.  You really really don’t like being left behind.  You will try a number of new things, simply because your sister and brother are doing it.

So, Elianna Faith, our God answered our prayers when He gave you to us.  And we pray that you will call on the Lord and that He will answer you.  And His answer will be the gift of salvation.  We pray that your infectious smile and vibrant personality will be a gateway to sharing the Good News with those you meet.  We love you, Ya-ya.

repent! it’s never the wrong message.

I think when difficulties/trials/catastrophes/sufferings are brought to bear on our lives, an apt message to preach to our own soul is always, “Repent!”

It’s so offensive.  And the message seems to rub salt in the wound.  It’s kind of like, “Hey, I am enduring a terrible loss, the last thing I need to do is be reminded that I’m a terrible sinner.”

And, for many, it seems to imply that if only we had repented sooner, the calamity would not have happened, so then guilt follows, as if we caused the calamity.  (For instance, if I hadn’t made an idol of my children, the Lord wouldn’t have taken one away).

But not everyone who loses a child has made an idol of them.  So, what then?  Is the message still “repent”?  And I think it is.  God’s purposes in the trials He brings to us are beyond finding out.  And I believe the purposes are vast, not singular.  And I also believe that for those who are in Christ, they are always good purposes.

[Sidebar: I am NOT advocating that friends who see another friend experience a trial immediately respond with the message, "Repent!" Bad form!  We don't want to end up like Job's "friends."  And if you are prone to pointing out the reasons why a certain trial has befallen a friend (unless there is obvious consequence-producing sin), think twice.  God's ways are unsearchable.  Humble yourself, you may be next.]

Repentance is always good for us and we’re always in need of it.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant with the little one that the Lord took at 8 weeks, I wrote this:

“Not all calamities and sufferings are given for the specific cause of jerking us out of rebellion.  But I dare say that all calamities and suffering should have the effect of causing us to draw nearer to God.

So, I’m praying now, as things are good and blessings flow like water and honey in my life, that I’ll think now about how to respond when calamity comes.  That I’ll get a footing for the hard times that I may one day face.

And that my footing will be in the Word and in Jesus Christ, the one Mediator between God and man, without whom, meeting my Maker would be more fearsome than any earthly calamity.”

How often the Lord has brought this to mind as I wage war against being engulfed by sorrow.  I preach to myself, “Repent!  Draw near to God.  Get your footing in the Word.  Gaze at the cross.  Do not fear the loss of a child, fear the Lord and love Him.”

[Pastor John has some thoughts on repentance and tornadoes today..]

riding the coat-tails to second-hand glory

Do you want to be famous?  Maybe not really famous, but just a little bit famous: well-known and respected by a couple hundred (or maybe just a couple tens of) people who think you are awesome.  And smart and clever and insightful.  And very godly.

So, if that doesn’t work out, would you latch onto fame and glory by association?

That’s what the people in Jesus’ hometown area did.  They wanted Him, but for all the wrong reasons.  For many, it was a grab at fame and glory by association.  They welcomed him in; asked him to make himself and his miracles known.  Why?  Because they didn’t believe in Him.  Not as Lord and Savior, just as a miracle worker to be used for personal advancement.

Here’s an excerpt from Pastor John’s sermon where he points this out:

Another illustration of this kind of false faith, or superficial “welcoming” or “receiving” of Jesus, is his brothers in John 7:3-5,

So his brothers said to him, “Leave here and go to Judea, that your disciples also may see the works you are doing. For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.” For not even his brothers believed in him.

So they believed he could do miracles. And they were eager for him to show these miracles to the world. But John says in verse 5, they talked like this because “even his brothers did not believe on him.” He comes to his own—his own brothers—and they do not receive him. Oh, they think they are receiving him—just like the people in Galilee think they are welcoming Jesus—but they don’t understand him. They don’t have eyes to see. And so they don’t honor him—even though they make much of him as a miracle-worker.

There is a kind of believing in Jesus that isn’t really believing in Jesus, as Pastor John says.  It’s a user’s belief.  Here’s some more on this kind of blinding sinfulness which includes:

A kind of vicarious sense of importance. The people could say that this great miracle-worker grew up in their town. This makes them want for him to do his miracles. So they “honor” him in that way. But why do they want him to do these miracles? Because the more he does, the more their attachment feeds their ego. They don’t see the glory of humble service. They don’t feel the need for his grace. They use him. His power and fame feeds their pride. And so they don’t honor him for who he is, even though they think they are.

This impulse is very much alive today and can infect us and keep us from knowing Christ the way he really is. We can be attached to a church, or a movement, or a music style, or a person, or a ministry in a way that starts to feed our ego. And it will seem justifiable because it’s Christian. And subtly we begin to want this Christian thing to thrive not for the glory of Christ, but because it feeds our ego. And when that happens, it becomes harder and harder to see Christ for who he really is—the one who saves by grace alone, and who calls us to lowliness and servanthood.”

And so I ask myself and you: are you (am I) riding the coat-tails to second-hand glory?  Who are you (am I) proud to be associated with because it boosts your (my) self-importance?  Are you (I) willing to be humbled so that God gets the glory due His name, and you (I) get the indescribable joy of knowing Him, the full Person and Diety of Jesus, rather than using God as a commodity for second-hand glory?

autumn resolutions

I’ll let Pastor John say it better than I could:

“God approves of New Year’s resolutions. And mid-year, and three-quarters-year, and monthly, and weekly, and daily resolutions. Any and all resolutions for good have God’s approval—if we resolve by faith in Jesus.

I would like to encourage you to make some autumn resolutions. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Well, theexamined life is not worth living either if the examination produces no resolutions. What examination and experience teach us is that the unplanned life settles into fruitless routine. The drifting life—the coasting, que-sera-sera, unreflective life—tends to be a wasted life.

The opposite of this is self-examination—life-examination, routine-examination, schedule-examination, heart-examination—followed by “resolves for good.” That’s what I encourage you to do. Here’s why I think God will be pleased when you do this by faith in Jesus.

Paul says in 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12,

“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I find this extremely encouraging. Paul prays for us—and I pray for you even as I write this—that God will “fulfill every resolve for good” that we have. This means that it is good to have resolves. God approves of it. It also means that our resolving is important, but that God’s enabling us to “fulfill” the resolves is crucial. Paul wouldn’t pray if God’s help weren’t needed. “The heart of manplans [resolves!] his way, but the Lord establishes [fulfills!] his steps” (Proverbs 16:9).

But it matters how we resolve. When Paul says, “every resolve for good and every work of faith,” he is not describing two different acts. He is describing one act in two ways. It is a “resolve for good” because we will it. It is a “work of faith” because we depend on Jesus to give us power to fulfill it. That’show we resolve—by faith in Jesus.

So Paul says that the fulfilling of the resolve is “by his power.” That’s what we are depending on. That’s what we are looking for when we resolve. We are looking to Jesus who promised to be with us and help us. “I know that through . . . the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance” (Philippians 1:19).

This explains the words “so that” in Paul’s prayer: “…so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you.” When you resolve something good and trust in the power of Jesus to help you do it, then “the name of our Lord Jesus is glorified.” If you depend on your willpower, your name will be glorified.

So Christian resolutions are different from the world’s resolutions. We believe that by grace alone we have been “called”—that is, captured by the truth and beauty of Christ. We resolve things not to make God be for us, but because he is already for us—that’s what his call makes plain. He opens our eyes to see and trust Christ. He shows us, in the cross, that he is totally for us. All our resolves are to walk more worthily of this calling.

They are faith resolves—faith that we are loved and called and justified. And faith that therefore Jesus will help us do what we resolve to do. When we resolve like that, the name of our Lord Jesus is magnified.

So pause sometime soon. Pause and examine your life this autumn. Examine what is missing that should be there. What is there that should be removed? What new dreams for ministry might you venture? What new habits do you want to build into your Fall schedule?

Remember: God will be pleased with new resolves for good if you resolve by faith in Jesus. I am praying for you “that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power.’”

Are you making any resolutions this fall?  I’ll leave mine in the comments.

a pox on your house

A pox on our house, really.

Eliza has the chicken pox.  And yes, she had the vaccines, which is making this a very mild case (as opposed to the sometimes life-threatening cases that children used to be faced with).

So I’m thankful for the vaccine and hoping the other kids avoid it altogether.

I thought about posting pictures of the pox, but thought that might be kind of weird and child-abusive-ish.  So, I’m opting for some happy non-pox pics instead.

In their pj’s, watching the duck family swim around the pond one morning (I use the term “morning” loosely).

Seth and Elianna doing the afternoon snack thing.

Elianna’s attempt at giving her brother a smooch..

Dodds’ kiddie couch snuggle.

Snuggle’s done, time for  some goofy fun.

Sisters with shut-eyes and smiles.

And a second attempt to smooch Seth, this time successful, by Eliza.

So, unlike the Shakespearean curse, “a pox on your house,” (and unlike my title) I hope there is no chicken pox at your house.

gospel in ten words or less

Demian, over at Fallen and Flawed (great blog, by the way), asked 12 bloggers, including me, to summarize the Gospel in 10 words or less.

It was a tough one for me, but here’s my response:

“Jesus’ blood calls, converts, cleanses, cures, carries the once condemned.”

How would you summarize the greatest story ever told if you only had 10 words to do it?  One of the bloggers, Kevin DeYoung, did it in three words.  Whoa.  Go over to the original post to see how he did it (and who he was quoting)!

I found it to be a great exercise.  Thinking about the Gospel (and talking about the Gospel and writing about the Gospel, etc) is the most important thing I do each day.  I am never not in need of the Gospel.  It’s the Gospel that’s brought me through the last couple weeks and is bringing me through today and will one day carry me home.

So take this opportunity to meditate on the big stuff of the Gospel.  And leave your summary in 10 words or less in the comments.

perinatal hospice: a grief conserved

My dad just had another article published in World Magazine.

It’s called, A Grief Conserved, and I recommend it.

Here’s how it begins:

“Something’s wrong with this baby,” my ultrasound technician told me. She had just scanned Mrs. Jones (a fictitious name) at 20 weeks and went on to describe her findings, findings that surely meant little chance of survival for that baby. As I later spoke with Mrs. Jones to relay the findings, she wept. I arranged an appointment with a maternal-fetal medicine (MFM) specialist.

The next day I received an urgent call from my patient. Through more tears, she described her visit in which the MFM doctor confirmed the grim prognosis. The baby would die, probably within a week or two. The MFM insisted on scheduling her for an abortion in three days. “Do I have to have an abortion?” she asked. I promised to call the MFM and assured her she did not have to abort.

The reality of unborn babies with fatal genetic abnormalities often goes un-talked about.  At least it seems that way to me.  I think it’s worth considering, especially for those of us who have had no reason to consider it: how we would handle a baby in utero that will almost inevitably die prior to birth?

The article continues:

“But what happens when a routine 20-week ultrasound shows a baby with a profound abnormality, possibly an abnormality that will certainly result in the death of the baby prior to or shortly after birth? Or when a genetic test is done and shows similar results and the patient then decides against abortion? What then?

Enter perinatal hospice, the brain child of Byron Calhoun, a pro-life maternal-fetal medicine specialist.

Perinatal hospice honors life. The woman carrying the disabled child receives extensive counseling and birth preparation involving the combined efforts of MFM specialists, OB/GYN doctors, neonatologists, anesthesia services, chaplains, pastors, social workers, labor and delivery nurses, and neonatal nurses. She carries the pregnancy to its natural conclusion. She and her husband are allowed to grieve and prepare for the short time God may grant them with their child while their baby lives inside or outside the womb. Such a process obviates the grief caused by elective abortion, killing the child before it could be born.

I think perinatal hospice is something worth knowing about and relaying to your friends.  We cannot know what the Lord may have in store for us.  Take a minute and read the rest of the article.  Here’s the last clip I’ll offer:

“Even those mystified by a patient choosing life have recognized the value of Calhoun’s idea, as perinatal hospice programs now dot the nation. But this mystery is no mystery to us. As Job 1:21 states, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”