on saying the right thing

I’ve noticed that there is definite protocol on what to say and what not to say when someone has experienced loss.

I’m not sure anyone knows exactly what the protocol is, but it’s out there, eluding people, nonetheless.

My mom said a funny thing to me the other day.  She said, “I feel badly.  I went and looked up some resources on comforting people dealing with miscarriage and realized that I’ve already said three of the things you’re not supposed to say.”

I chuckled a little and said, “Really?  I hadn’t noticed.”  And it’s true.  I hadn’t.

Two opposite realities have emerged as I listen to people talk to me, trying to provide some comfort and consolation:

1) If they really love me (or you), they can’t say the wrong thing.  All the remarks that may not be perfect melt away when I see the true care they have for me in the Lord.  Some friends seem to have a window into your soul, while others struggle to understand, but either way, their love covers it all.

2) Everything everyone says feels, in some sense, like the wrong thing, because it feels like there is only one “right” thing and that would be to tell me that none of this happened and my little one is still alive and growing in my tummy.

So, on the one hand, no one can say the right thing, because no one can tell me it was all a bad dream.  And on the other hand anyone can say the right thing, if they’re motivated by genuine love.

I don’t want to negate the fact that some very insensitive things are said to people during their time of grief.  I’m not immune to this and I think it’s good to have some “don’t say” lists to de-hallmark-ize and de-trivialize the things people get in the habit of saying.

But, on the other hand, people get paralyzed when they’re made to feel that no one can or should speak into another’s loss.

All this to say that if it comes down to a choice between avoiding and saying nothing versus taking a risk and saying the less-than-perfect thing, I vote for the latter.

I’d rather have someone who really loves me step up and say something, than look at me uncomfortably from a distance and feel that avoidance is a must because they don’t want to say the wrong thing.  Even when I’m emotionally exhausted and want to be left alone, the person who speaks to me out of their love for the Lord and for me can never be faulted.

And who knows but that the Lord might use those words or the remembrance of their care at a later time to minister to my soul.

So my encouragement to you, dear reader, is to be the body of Christ to your grieving friends: be His arms around them and His soothing voice comforting them.  And if you’re the one hurting, let them do that for you, even if it isn’t how you would have scripted it.  That’s what I’m aiming for, very imperfectly, as I walk in this valley.

grief and goodness

Believe it or not, I usually have a pretty clear head.  I’m a straight thinker.  Clear lines, logical progressions, even with the chaos of motherhood, I can usually keep my thinking fairly rational.

But this past week I have felt the person who is normally driven by reason disappear.

Grief and sorrow will do that to you.

So I’ve decided to sort out the grief and the good things of this past week.  And many hold elements of both.  Nothing is clean and simple here.

1) I feel grief and goodness that my miscarriage started while we were at the funeral of Tom’s 102 year old aunt, who was passionate for Jesus.

2) I felt mostly grief, but a tinge of goodness, when our family sat down for supper for the first time since the miscarriage and Eliza went to get napkins, and the only ones we had had a picture of baby’s feet at 10 weeks old in the womb on them.  I held back the tears as ten-week-old baby feet sat in my lap.

3) I felt mostly goodness, but some grief, when Eliza told me, with hope in her eyes, she would pray for God to give us another baby.

4) I feel grief and goodness, when many of my friends who are expecting babies, come to give me hugs and their tummies stick out into my empty one.

5) I feel incredible goodness when my friend, who’s been through this all too many times, tells me that she has a special love for and relationship with her friend’s child born at the time her baby should have been.  She is a miracle to me.

6) I feel grief and goodness when so many friends offer to bring meals and care for us in every possible way.  We are blessed with people we don’t deserve, and yet, the meals and offerings mean that something has happened that I want to pretend didn’t happen.

7) I feel grief that Tom and I are walking through this sadness, but goodness that we’re walking through it together.

8) I feel goodness when I look at the three child-gifts that came to me without complication or heartache.  I have taken that for granted for much too long.

9) I feel grief and goodness when I read or hear of other’s experiences of loss: grief and anger that I have joined their ranks; goodness that they are there, ministering to me in my sadness and denial.

10) I feel grief that my plans won’t happen.  I had this baby planned.  And now my plan is foiled.  But, I know that this is the ultimate goodness, because my plans aren’t trustworthy and good.  They’re just mine.

So I may not feel the goodness of His plan yet, but I know His plan is good and I’ll spend my life discovering and feeling the ways that His plan is better, while I grieve over the ways He has wounded me with His good plan.

with broken hearts over our little one

It’s with a heavy and broken heart that I write to say I miscarried our little one this past weekend.

We are grieving the baby that has left us with an empty belly and empty arms.

I am wishing that I could have had one more day, or week, or month to carry him or her.  Each day was unspeakably precious and brought so much joy and anticipation.

It is a low time for us as we think of the little one that the Lord lent to us for what seems like much too short a time.  I was 8 weeks along in the pregnancy.

The time with that little one was worth all the heartache that losing him or her now brings.  The Lord has taken away.  His name is still blessed.

He has not forgotten us.  The Man of Sorrows remembers us in our affliction.

Lamentations 3:19-32

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
and k therefore I have hope:

22 l The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; [2]
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence
when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not
cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love..

abortions drop in MN, 2008, but Planned Parenthood performs record numbers

This is good news!

MCCL reports that, “the Minnesota Department of Health released its annual Abortion Report for 2008, and reported abortions in Minnesota dropped more than six percent. The report shows that there were 12,948 abortions reported in 2008, compared to 13,843 the previous year. The 2008 total is the lowest number on record since 1975. Find more information about the Abortion Report and read our in-depth analysis on MCCL’s Web site.

Or check out our YouTube video message.”

However, there is more to the story.  

“Even though the number of abortions last year was the lowest in 33 years, Planned Parenthoodmanaged to increase its abortions to a record 3,948. Planned Parenthood performed nearly 1,200 more abortions than the next largest provider.

Another problem area the report points out is that taxpayer funded abortions rose from 28.6% to 29.8% of all abortions performed. This is the highest percentage since the Minnesota Supreme Court’s 1995 Doe vs. Gomez decision requiring taxpayer funding of elective abortions.”

If you aren’t aware of the great work done at MCCL, I hope you look at their website.  

Two years ago MCCL started the Positive Alternatives program which is a gov’t funded grant program whose funds go to Pregnancy Care Centers that offer clients life-affirming alternatives to abortion.  Positive Alternatives makes it crystal clear to women that no one can force them to have an abortion, and that there are always better options. 

It’s a strange irony that the gov’t both funds abortions, (through taxpayer dollars, unfortunately) and also provides grants to the centers who counsel for life.  

If you have been inactive for too long in the fight to save the unborn and want to take steps to do what you can for babies, moms, and dads, consider donating to MCCL, they literally save lives!

horsin’ around

My parents have a shetland pony named Bob, and a quarter horse called Gray.

We’ve been spending quite a bit of time with these animals.  The children’s interest in the horses differs quite greatly.  They all love being out at the barn, but only Elianna is really thrilled about riding them.  So thrilled that she cries when she gets taken off of Gray.

 

Doing it all by herself.

 

natural born cowgirl.

I was there too!

Seth is fairly indifferent.  He’ll do it, but would rather be digging in the dirt or chasing cats and dogs (both of which he is allergic to).

 

this is not our pony, but a really sweet one named Buddy.

 

workin' hard to keep the cooler handy.

he may not like riding, but he loves his boots.

 

 

And Eliza really does not like to ride.  Terrified is the word that comes to mind.  It makes her nervous and she’d rather just pet them or look from a distance and then go chase any other small creature she can find.  She’s scared of horses, but loves snakes and lizards!  

 

happy just to watch.

managing a smile, but can I get down please!

 

taking a break.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned on my blog before that I used to show Quarter Horses competitively.  It feels like another life.  But hanging around the horses and barn sure does bring back memories.  It was a large part of my life and it disappeared quickly, because of a back injury.

It’s fun to get back around horses and see the kids with them and their differing personalities.  God makes them each so unique with their preferences, fears and loves.  I’m glad that they all like being out in the country; I don’t care whether or not they like to ride horses, just that they enjoy horsin’ around!

 

peeking through.

free will: before the fall, after the fall, and after the new birth

Pastor John has a great post at Desiring God called, A Few Thoughts on Free Will.  

Here’s his scriptural analysis of free will pre and post fall and post new birth:

“Before the fall of Adam sinless man was able to sin. For God said, “In the day that you eat of it you shall surely die” (Genesis 2:17).

As soon as Adam fell, sinful man was not able not to sin, since we were unbelieving,and “whatever is not from faith is sin” (Romans 14:23).

When we are born again, by the power of the Holy Spirit we are able to not sin, for “sin will have no dominion over you” (Romans 6:14).

This means that what Paul calls “the natural man” or “the mind of the flesh” is not able not to sin. Paul says this in Romans 8:7-9

The mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. (See also 1Corinthians 2:14).”

So, we are children of wrath if we have not been born again.  We are unable to do anything but sin.  I have heard so many objections to this truth of the Bible.  For instance, “What about my friend who is a really good person and cares about others and does all these good works?”  

My only response is to say that the “heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?”  Only God can know the extent of the wickedness of the heart.  

And when He says that anything that does not proceed from faith is sin, I believe Him.  My own conscience condemns me enough to know that all “good deeds” done for reasons other than Christ are vain and sinful.

Pastor John continues with this:

“How then shall we think of free will?

It is not a saving power. In his freedom to will, fallen man cannot on his own do anything but sin. Such “free will” is a devastating reality. Without some power to overcome it’s bent, our free will only damns us.

We could stop here and turn with joy to the gospel truth that God overcomes our resistance, gives us life, wakens our dead inclination for Christ, and freely and irresistibly draws us to himself (John 6:44, 65; Acts 13:48; Ephesians 2:5; 2 Timothy 2:25-26).

But it sometimes helps to answer objections. One common objection is that, if we “cannot” do what is right, and “can only” do what is sin, then we are not acting voluntarily and cannot be praised or blamed.

Here is part of John Calvin’s answer to this objection:

The goodness of God is so connected with his Godhead that it is not more necessary to be God than to be good; whereas the devil, by his fall, was so estranged from goodness that he can do nothing but evil.

Should anyone give utterance to the profane jeer that little praise is due to God for a goodness to which he is forced, is it not obvious to every man to reply, “It is owing not to violent impulse, but to his boundless goodness, that he cannot do evil?”

Therefore, if the free will of God in doing good is not impeded, because he necessarily must do good; if the devil, who can do nothing but evil, nevertheless sins voluntarily; can it be said that man sins less voluntarily because he is under a necessity of sinning? (Institutes, II.3.5)”

Good stuff.  And how much more am I willing to praise and give glory to a God who is the “author” of my faith.  Not just a God who makes my faith possible and then depends on my “free will” to enact it, but He Himself makes it happen.  I give Him all the glory.  

Ephesians 2:4,5: 4 But [2] God, being r rich in mercy, s because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even t when we were dead in our trespasses, u made us alive together with Christ—v by grace you have been saved—”

do you have a favorite Bible verse?

James 1: 2-4 have always been favorite verses of mine.  

Also, Lamentations 3: 21-27 are frequently in mind. 

Along with John 10:27-30; those bring continual comfort and rest.

Do you have a favorite passage?  Or, if “favorite” isn’t the right word, how about one that is especially meaningful to you recently?

I found this humorous video about life verses..  enjoy.

And here are the actual texts, for my (and your) benefit:

James 1:2-4

Count it all joy, my brothers, [2] when you meet trials f of various kinds, 3 for you know that g the testing of your faith h produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be i perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Lamentations 3:21-27

But this I call to mind,
and k therefore I have hope:

22 l The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; [2]
l his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new m every morning;
n great is your faithfulness.
24 o “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
k “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who p wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 q It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 r It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke s in his youth.

John 10:27-30

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. 28 o I give them eternal life, and p they will never perish, and q no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, r who has given them to me, [1] s is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of t the Father’s hand. 30 u I and the Father are one.”