Depression is personal.
We (myself included) talk about “depression” like it’s one singular obtuse thing. It isn’t. It could mean something minor or major* or clinical*. It is an array of many particular feelings to particular people with particular circumstances.
I am trying to refer to it in more terms than just “depression.” Something more specific. For me the phrase “sorrow without a cause,” seems to fit. I also identify strongly with the word “lowly.” Lowly is an almost perfect descriptor for how I feel when “depressed.”
I’m realizing that sorrow and lowliness will probably be a battle for me my whole life. So I write about it because I’m learning and processing for myself and also to encourage others to deal in a Christ-like, loving way with sorrowing people.
Here’s a glimpse from the cheap seats of me while low:
1) I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. As though someone very dear to me has died or is in peril. It is an overwhelming sense of grief and mourning, but seemingly unfounded.
2) I feel on the verge. On the verge of crying all the time (which I often do), on the verge of collapsing, on the verge of being totally out of control, on the verge of going to bed and never getting up.
3) I feel alone.
4) I feel like people don’t care. Like I’m a freak and nobody in the Christian world wants to deal with someone like me. Who’s got time for someone with a made-up problem like depression, when there are people really suffering out there. Quit sinning and be happy in Christ you downer.
5) I feel like holing up somewhere. My instincts are avoid avoid avoid. Avoid people, conversations, eye contact. This gets a little tricky with three dependent little ones at home.
6) I feel like my life is in black and white and everyone else is living in color.
7) I feel like someone set me to s l o w-m o t i o n. My limbs are slow, my words are slow, my thoughts are slow. Everything sticks and needs some grease.
8) I feel very aware of my sin. I say with David, “My sin is ever before me..” This may be one benefit of my sorrow. It puts me in my proper place before the gracious and holy God. In the midst of sorrow I have no self-righteousness, no independence. It becomes crystal clear that Christ holds me, apart from works. Each breath is grace upon grace.
I want to be clear about why I write about this. It’s not for personal sympathy, although sympathy is a good thing and I do long for it at times.
I share my sorrow because maybe depression has seemed diffuse and distant to you–like you can’t relate to it– and this can be the beginning of a real person’s experience for you to understand.
Mostly I share it so that we will take care of the lowly person in our lives. And so that we will be reminded of 1 Thess. 5: 14 ”..encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” (a recent fighter verse). And to “..weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15)
The Bible doesn’t say, weep with those who (in our estimation) have a good reason to be weeping. Just weep with them, even if we deem their sorrow to have no legitimate cause, or even if we think their sorrow is self-indulgent drivel. We can’t know all the factors at play. God does; He is the Judge.
Our job is to see our brother or sister in Christ who’s hurting and know that, even in their depression, we have a lot more commonalities than we do differences.
I Cor. 12:22-26 “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor.. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”
*Major or clinical depression has a specific diagnosis. If you meet the criteria (for time required, etc), I would urge you to seek outside help.
6 Comments
February 18, 2009 at 1:39 am
Thanks for your vulnerability. I know that depression is not just something that you can shake by pulling yourself up by the boot straps, and depression is definitely not self-pity, so don’t take my comments as glib.
Know that everyone who reads your blog and comments does so because they value you. We are with you in your grief.
February 18, 2009 at 10:07 am
Sweetheart, I empathize with you, having been on anti-depressants since my mid- 30’s. I have tried not to use medication, but it doesn’t work for me to be off them. I sink into valleys too easily. I think you have expressed very clearly in 1-8, exactly how I felt, feel. Thank you for that. My biggest struggle is not to try to read other’s minds and believe I know what they are thinking. The truest statement is “God is the Judge’. I am so thankful for that and His grace. Love to you.
February 18, 2009 at 10:30 am
I knew I was glad to have some self-described “bleeding heart” liberal friends. Thanks Peter and Aunt Del.
February 18, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I, too, appreciate your words. They are a very accurate description of all that I experienced while I suffered from PPD after Sophie was born. I am so thankful that the Lord has delivered me from those feelings (through the use of meds), and I grieve for those who aren’t so quickly delivered.
February 19, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“Quit sinning and be happy in Christ you downer”
that would be a hillarious tshirt…just saying!
February 22, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I’m speechless alyce.. thanks for finding the humor! :)