Yes. You read that right.
In lieu of more serious posting, I thought I’d take a breather with some introspection about in-church massaging. You know, the person sitting three rows in front of you whose hand never stops caressing the back of their significant other.
Suddenly, your eyes are riveted to the patterns being made on the back. You forget what the sermon is about and your finger slips from the place your pastor told you to mark in John 2, as you wonder if they are writing a secret message. Did I detect number sequencing? Will they move to full-head massage?
So, obviously I’ve been distracted by this. But I’ve also been guilty of it (in small amounts). Mr. TommyD and I are arm-around-the-shoulders people… this seems much more acceptable to me.
From Stuff Christians Like, here’s the People Against Massage In Church (PAMIC) Manifesto:
1. The difference between a pat and a massage.
We recognize and respect the need to pat someone on the back. Sometimes, it’s good to say “Hi” or “Good job” or “Your chair is currently resting on my big toe” with a small tap on the back. We support that. But when you pat more than four times and then linger, you have now crossed into massage territory my friend.
2. Circles are great for cheerios, not church.
We recognize and respect the need to lay a hand on someone as you say hello or want to show your spouse support during a prayer. But when you start rubbing in a circle, a square or any other geometrical shape, you are now giving a massage. That’s not a big deal right? Wrong. Your rotating hand is creating what we call a “circle of distraction.” People around you will not be able to focus on the sermon as they instead become hypnotized by watching you. God hates that. It’s in Numbers or Exodus I think.
3. There are consequences if you try to massage us.
The members of PAMIC are attractive and funny and Godly and often smell very nice. Please don’t get confused by those four things and think it’s OK to ever give us a back or neck rub during church. If you do, we can’t be held responsible if you suddenly find yourself in some sort of karate arm bar lock, a sleeper hold or at the bottom of a wicked leg drop.
4. Don’t confuse not loving in church massages with not loving life, Jesus, our spouses etc.
You will assume, based on our plans to rid all churches, in all countries of “during church massages,” that we are not loving people. Perhaps you are rubbing someone’s neck as an act of worship or praise or affection. It’s possible we held hands with our spouses as we walked into church. We might give back rubs at home. We could be amazing “snugglers” but when it comes to touching folks at church, we follow the Bible. And there’s not a single example of someone in the Bible giving someone else a neck or back rub while Jesus taught. I dare you to find me a verse that shows someone massaging someone else while they listened to the Sermon on the Mount for instance.
Is this extreme? Perhaps, but few great revolutions started quietly. We will not go peacefully. We will march and protest and launch thousands of PAMIC Attacks. (A PAMIC Attack by the way is when you squirt someone that is trying to start a during church massage with a squirt gun full of vinegar.)
Non-massagers of the world unite!”
Don’t worry, for those of you proud in-church massagers, in the interest of fairness, there’s a manifesto for you too. So, ‘fess up, are you an in-church massager? Or do you sit, transfixed by the cheerios formed in the rows ahead of you?
This does raise the larger issue of distractions in church. What should be stopped/removed because it’s too distracting? Crying babies? Fidgety children? Whispering? Coughing? Massaging? I lean toward a liberal view of noise and distractions during the worship service. I figure, it’s the body of Christ, we’re not going to be perfectly quiet. Although disrespectful loud teens are my one caveat. What’s yours?
10 Comments
January 29, 2009 at 8:26 am
Since we moved from the back of the church to the right front row, I have been much more aware of our potential for distraction. I have talked to our boys about this and we work on it. Amanda went to a church in high school where children were not allowed in the service. She tells stories about the pastor stopping his preaching and asking for a crying baby to be removed. I don’t think he was a mean person, it was just that his view of scripture and preaching was so high that he did not want anything to get in the way. I have thought of that often. Far be it from me, that anyone not respond to the Gospel because my kids were messing around. I think the massagers should think this way too.
January 29, 2009 at 9:27 am
I have a really hard time even attending church because of 19 years of scarey church experiences…so if i go….i think I should get a massage….i’m probably a distracter….but not on purpose
January 29, 2009 at 12:34 pm
This is part of the reason we sit in the second row (and there’s rarely anyone in front of us); there’s nothing to distract us! (And because then everyone in our family can still see the platform when everyone stands up!)
January 29, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I like the idea of sitting in front so the kids can see! I tend to want to avoid the scrutiny/judgment (real or imagined) placed on me and my kids by sitting in front. Plus we have had one in the nursing stage so frequently that I’ve been in back so I’m not walking back and forth to the front. (excuses, excuses)
I agree with Andy that we should hold ourselves to a high standard.. the trick is holding ourselves to that standard and still having grace for everyone else, as opposed to shooting daggers their way when they distract us.
What if the person whose kids are misbehaving and being distracting (or maybe they’re engaged in distracting massage) is the one who needs the Gospel message? Or maybe they’re a strong believer who’s just having a rough day…
January 29, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Hi Abigail – I am one that keeps up with your blog. I enjoy reading it; you are very insightful!
I saw this manifesto on a blog a week or so ago and laughed! Allow me to offer a slightly different perspective on the “massagers.”
Awhile ago one of my dear 30something, single friends made this comment after church during a particular rough spot in her life: “Sometimes it’s really hard to sing and listen to the promises of God and His faithfulness when all I can see in front of me are touchy couples and I am sitting here alone, desiring nothing but to love and be loved by a godly man.” I didn’t completely understand her thoughts that day, but it stuck with me. As I am about to join the ranks of the 30s singletons, I understand it more and more.
Now, I don’t at all advocate stopping any and all church “PDA.” In fact, I know this girl wouldn’t either. Both of us look forward to one day settling in next to someone in church (without the massage!). But in those occasional times where we’re not just single, but DEALING with singleness, those couples are all the more obvious, and all the more a distraction in trying to rely on God’s plan for our lives.
Just a thought! :)
January 30, 2009 at 10:39 am
A fun entry.
My opinion isn’t full of depth, but here it goes: yeah, I could do without all of the back rubs going on in front of me, but I do have to admit that I will take one anytime Brad offers (it is not even close to one of his favorite things to do) so we don’t really qualify as a “public back rubber couple”.
January 31, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Steph- thanks for bringing that to the conversation. Very helpful, and something many of us probably don’t think about. I definitely want to be more sensitive to the wonderful singles around me.
Lynette-don’t apologize for your thoughts. I love hearing them. :)
February 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I would definitely say the arm around the shoulder and occasional hand pat while the arm is around the shoulder is very sweet… but the full-fledged back massage is definitely distracting and pretty annoying!!!:)
February 3, 2009 at 6:49 pm
There is some of that going on at Bethlehem. Some are distracting, some endearing. I prefer the hand holding or quiet arm around the shoulders.
February 6, 2009 at 2:33 pm
So not happy with in-church massagers. Makes me feel like I’m in Joel Osteen’s church or something. ;-)